Have you ever felt any regrets, or wished your life had turned out differently?
Do you ever feel envy towards your friends that seem to have it all; happily married, with beautiful families?
Lately, I am struggling with my singleness.
I have mixed feelings. A part of me feels a certain peace about being single. I don't miss the marital stress and I don't miss the fighting. I also have a fear of intimacy, and major trust issues.
But there is another part of me that just as soon as I get a glimpse of what other people have; I feel regretful and lonely. Sort of like I have wasted too many years holding out for my 'ideal' mate. And a little resentful; like I've been shorted my “American Dream” that I have carried around with me, for as long as I can recall.
This is not about babies anymore. I have moved past the baby urges, thankfully!
It's about companionship with someone who would hold my heart. It's about spending the rest of my days with a man with whom I'd share mutual admiration and respect for. A man I can feel safe enough to give my heart to, and in return he'd give me his. A man who will be there to push me in a wheelchair when I am old and frail. Or a man who I will help to feed and dress, when he is no longer able to take care of himself. A man who will hold my hand, make me laugh, and will let me wrap my arms around him, while lying next to him at night.
Over the past couple of years I have re-connected (thanks to Facebook) with people I once knew, when I was young. Many of them are former boyfriends. It feels as if they're all married, with lovely wives and beautiful children.
In many of my past relationships, I had hit the 'eject button' at the first sign of trouble. I was insecure, sometimes a bit immature, and I didn't want to wait around long enough to get hurt. I was outta there!
And if I was the one who ended the relationship, I start to second-guess my initial decision to dump. I wonder if I should have had more patience and held on, rather than letting go. And what REALLY stings is the fact that many of them (including my ex-fiance) have married the very next girl to come along after me. Ouch.
I know envy is wrong. I try to appreciate my life as it is, and try to stop myself from having these foolish regrets. I try to remind myself that it's not about me – it's about God. HIS plan, not mine.
But I still struggle with it.