When I first met my ex, who played for our high school’s basketball team, all I could think is, “Man, that guy is HUGE.” At 6‘5“ and 230, he was intimidating to some. He had these massive biceps that were enough to make any girl swoon. Unfortunately for him, he also was incredibly hairy and sweaty - so much so that the games would often have to be stopped just to mop up HIS sweat off the floor, which made him less than adorable.
Except to me, somehow. Odd how that happens.
As a cheerleader, I was skinny enough to make the uniform look good, and not all that strong. I felt (for many reasons in life and circumstance) helpless.
So, when this big, strong guy was directing his attention toward me - I really felt like my knight in shining armor had come along. I had just told myself a week before - “No more dating until college.” And yet, there he was. Similar hopes, dreams, and the like.
We dated, I went to college, and we got engaged at the end of my first year. He left for Basic Training, and when he was assigned to his new unit, we were told they were deploying on the day of my bridal shower. I was devastated. My protector and strength would be headed to a war zone, and I knew (from my family history) that this was NOT going to end well.
During re-deployment (for all you civilians, when they come back from war) I was actually afraid of him for at least two weeks. I could sense something had changed. He grew better at hiding it, and I became comfortable again. We had a son, then found out during his stint at flight school that I was pregnant with twins, just one year later.
Sure enough, when he came back, trying to deal with remaining the “strong” one made him think he should turn away from God and led him to alcoholism, cheating, abuse and financial ruin, leaving me in a bit of a pickle. There was no one there to hug me when I was scared or sad, and I ended up leaving at his request during my 8th month of pregnancy.
That strength that I’d been attracted to when we were dating was now crumbling right before my eyes, to the point that a shell of a bitter, angry, hateful man remained. And he was the father of my three sons and my husband. Emphasis on was. He threatened to kill me three times before the twins had even turned one, and our divorce was final just before they turned two.
In a practical sense, I had to be my own encourager, my own support and my own strength during the birth of our sons and raising them these last three years. In a spiritual sense, I had the “How Great Thou Art" God on my side, helping me and encouraging me every step of my painful, frightening journey. He may have been a soldier, at the tip of the spear of battle as an infantryman, but I had something better than alcohol, drugs, or sex to cope. I had God.
Even though the process to divorce AND to raising my sons has been a long one, God maintained my strength through his promises. I have relied on those at my weakest, and have come out of each and every “spiritual battle” stronger and more assured in His love and comfort than ever before.
So many of us have battles to fight in this life, some more difficult than others. But, the one thing we as believers have in common is His love to carry us through - as well as the promise that any difficulty we suffer will only benefit us in the long-run.
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [who imparts all blessing and favor], who has called you to his own eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will himself complete you and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen and settle you.” 1 Peter 5:10
So, does strength only become defined by bicep-size, or ability to fight an enemy or even by trying to settle your problems on your own terms? Or is it putting love before all else, fighting for truth and completing the tasks God sets before us each day with joy?
When my ex was here for his bi-annual 1 hour visit with our sons, now 4 and 3, he said something that made me glow. “Thank you for being strong enough to love our sons even after everything I did to you. I am so sorry for everything I put you through, but I’m so proud of how much you have overcome.”
I can’t take the credit, though - because really, it was God in me that kept me going, and now I’m able to reap the benefits of everything that I’ve endured, as God has “strengthened and settled” in a place of true joy. Praise Him!
This is a guest contribution by Erin. Erin is a Christian. Erin is a joyful woman. Erin is a mother. Erin loves the Lord, her children, her family and living life with her special brand of joy every day. See her story at A Single Mama's Life where she shares her highs, her lows and her faith.
Image via WikipediaGina: April, what about that guy you were seeing?
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